A couple of nights ago the wife was in one of those moods.
She just wanted to chat away.

I was in one of those moods.
What was on TV was interesting.

You can see what’s coming.
Have the medics stand by.

With all the languages in the world and all the words available, there is no way to say, “Stifle yourself, please.”

…and survive.

Husbands are expected to listen, look interested and nod at the appropriate time.

A skill many of us learn quickly if we want wedded bliss to continue for more than the first week.

Here’s the way of the world – women by nature like to share things.

They can talk with their girlfriends for hours picking over their day and dissecting the smallest details of stuff men will never understand.

Then they try to do the same thing with their husbands.

Usually in the middle of a football game or a show about taking apart a car engine.

Sometimes if we’re really lucky the subject is some juicy gossip we really want to hear.

But almost always it’s something we could care less about and is in another universe.

Saying, “That’s way too much information” doesn’t work and just gets her grumpy.

I’d gladly listen to the wife if she could boil down a 30 minute conversation to three sentences.

Never happen.
Women aren’t made that way.

I’ve seen this urge to chat happen in the middle of my trying to get out the door in the morning, headed for the bathroom on an important mission or while struggling to carry something heavy to the garage.

Timing is everything – something women do not understand.

Obviously, since I’ve made it to my advanced age, I must have learned how to survive this.

Here’s three secrets:

One, pretend you’re dead.
Unfortunately that leads to other craziness, so it’s not recommended except under the most dire circumstances.

Two: you’re old and old people are hard of hearing from too much rock-and-roll.
Pretend you don’t hear.

Of course that opens up a whole avenue of her bugging you to get a hearing aid.

We don’t really want to go there because old guys don’t want to look old and a hearing aid does that.

If that doesn’t work – there’s number three – tell her she told you that yesterday, with a smile.

The smile is important.
Forget the smile and you’re dead.

At her age she won’t remember if she really did and move on.

If you’re lucky you ducked another bullet.

If not, you’re now grumpy.