I ask that you consider something.
There’s no need to make a decision at this moment.

Tonight would be fine.

I need someone to adopt me.
Soon.

Here’s what you get:

High mileage but sorta well maintained.

Some dents but most parts work.
Some well, some not so well.

I’m not bad-looking for an old coot.
See picture above.

Squint so it’s hazy, or drink a lot first.

I don’t take up much room and tend to stay in one place when I plop down.
I’m really low maintenance because I nap a lot.

You don’t have to take me out.

I’m a nice guy as the wife’s girlfriends can attest.

I have a great sense of humor although it runs to the sarcastic.
If you are that way too it would be a match made in heaven.

I’m not picky about food.
I have been trained to eat whatever the special is at Zippys or Loco Moco.

I even eat leftovers If I have no other choice.

It doesn’t bother me to wear the same t-shirt for a week so my laundry needs are almost non-existent.

An occasional hug or pat on the head is all I ask.
I change lightbulbs and other stuff.

I don’t hang out in bars, go out, drink too much or look at dirty pictures on the Internet.

Well, I fudged that last item a bit.

I’m a real catch.
The one that got away, so to speak.

Why this delightful end-of-the-week offer?
The wife is trying to get me to leave.

I know this because she has put stink bombs all over the house.

It’s like walking into a spice factory dialed up to a 100.

The smell can be described as…heavy.
You can cut it with a knife.

I have no idea what it’s supposed to smell like, so stink is descriptive enough for now.

Now, if she were to put these olfactory disasters in her bathroom that would be okay.

But she put one in my bathroom.
I need a gas mask to go in there.

The liquid in the bottle looks like it’s from a spittoon.

The bathroom is the only place a guy can get away for a few minutes.

It’s important to our sanity.

Right now I have to sneak up, hold my nose and crack the door open a couple of inches.

I reach around and flip the bathroom exhaust fan switch.

Then close the door and go away for about 10 minutes.

That’s usually okay except for those times one can’t wait.

Then there’s those antennas sticking up.
I suspect she’s listening in on my cell phone calls.

Now, I don’t mind little smell-good thingies around the house.

But it’s my bathroom and it should have things that smell good to a man.

Bacon, freshly cut grass, dirty sneakers, puppy dogs and pizza is a good start.

Motor oil would be a plus.

I spend time in there pondering stuff and I need to maintain a clear mind.

The whole thing is just too weird.

Someone take me.
Please.

Before I get more grumpy.