I recently met a very nice, attractive lady who was looking for a job in my field.

Smart, competent in what she does, seemingly destined for great things.

Except…
She spent the entire time we were chatting wailing away on her gum.

I’m talking go-to-town, open mouth, jawing away chewing.
And it was popping and crackling and making me crazy.

I wanted to yell, “Spit out the damn thing.”

Which I didn’t because I’m a nice guy and figured others have tried it and it didn’t work.

I don’t chew gum.

Okay, so I’m biased.
But it’s mine and I own up to it.

I tried gum a couple of times in my life but just swallowed it.

So in goes another piece, same thing, and another piece until I got sick.

Then my insides got all messed up requiring I put new magazines in the bathroom for many hours.

That stopped my experimentation with oral fixation.

I know a lot of people chew gum because you can find it stuck underneath any table at McDonald’s.

I assume they put it there while they ate and forgot to take it with them afterwards.

Or maybe it was left in case someone else wanted it.
It’s nice to share.

I dated a girl who chewed gum in junior high school.

It didn’t last long because one time it got stuck in my braces when I tried to fumble a kiss.

She thought it was funny and I was thinking how mad my mother would be.

I figured she would see that mess and she’d disapprove of my kissing a girl at 14.

Kissing leads to touching and other things and I was too young to get married in her mind.

There’s some scientific studies that supposedly say chewing gum is good for the brain.

They say it boosts thinking and alertness, and reaction times among chewers are up to 10 per cent faster.

It was printed in a British tabloid next to pictures of some drunk Earl of Whatnot, so you have wonder.

Other research published in Japan last year suggested chewing gum could interfere with short-term memory.

They might want to check to see how many are chewing gum at that nuclear reactor in Fukushima.

I suspect our world is being run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got a trophy for just showing up.