{"id":1985,"date":"2014-09-26T05:30:26","date_gmt":"2014-09-26T15:30:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=1985"},"modified":"2014-09-25T16:57:10","modified_gmt":"2014-09-26T02:57:10","slug":"husband-available-free","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=1985","title":{"rendered":"Husband available – Free"},"content":{"rendered":"

I ask that you consider something.
\nThere’s no need to make a decision at this moment.<\/p>\n

Tonight would be fine.<\/p>\n

I need someone to adopt me.
\nSoon.<\/p>\n

Here’s what you get:<\/p>\n

High mileage but sorta well maintained.<\/p>\n

Some dents but most parts work.
\nSome well, some not so well.<\/p>\n

I’m not bad-looking for an old coot.
\nSee picture above.<\/p>\n

Squint so it’s hazy, or drink a lot first.<\/p>\n

I don’t take up much room and tend to stay in one place when I plop down.
\nI’m really low maintenance because I nap a lot.<\/p>\n

You don’t have to take me out.<\/p>\n

I’m a nice guy as the wife’s girlfriends can attest.<\/p>\n

I have a great sense of humor although it runs to the sarcastic.
\nIf you are that way too it would be a match made in heaven.<\/p>\n

I’m not picky about food.
\nI have been trained to eat whatever the special is at Zippys or Loco Moco.<\/p>\n

I even eat leftovers If I have no other choice.<\/p>\n

\"stained-shirt\"<\/a>It doesn’t bother me to wear the same t-shirt for a week so my laundry needs are almost non-existent.<\/p>\n

An occasional hug or pat on the head is all I ask.
\nI change lightbulbs and other stuff.<\/p>\n

I don’t hang out in bars, go out, drink too much or look at dirty pictures on the Internet.<\/p>\n

Well, I fudged that last\u00a0item a bit.<\/p>\n

I’m a real catch.
\nThe one that got away, so to speak.<\/p>\n

Why this delightful end-of-the-week offer?
\nThe wife is trying to get me to leave.<\/p>\n

\"Stink<\/a>I know this because she has put stink bombs all over the house.<\/p>\n

It’s like walking into a spice factory dialed up to a 100.<\/p>\n

The smell can be described as…heavy.
\nYou can cut it with a knife.<\/p>\n

I have no idea what it’s supposed to smell like, so stink is descriptive enough for now.<\/p>\n

Now, if she were to put these olfactory disasters in her bathroom that would be okay.<\/p>\n

But she put one in my bathroom.
\nI need a gas mask to go in there.<\/p>\n

The liquid in the bottle looks like it’s from a spittoon.<\/p>\n

The bathroom is the only place a guy can get away for a few minutes.<\/p>\n

It’s important to our sanity.<\/p>\n

Right now I have to sneak up, hold my nose and crack the door open a couple of inches.<\/p>\n

I reach around and flip the bathroom exhaust fan switch.<\/p>\n

Then close the door and go away for about 10 minutes.<\/p>\n

That’s usually okay except for those times one can’t wait.<\/p>\n

Then there’s those antennas sticking up.
\nI suspect she’s listening in on my cell phone calls.<\/p>\n

\"Sneakers\"<\/a>Now, I don’t mind little smell-good thingies around the house.<\/p>\n

But it’s my bathroom and it should have things that smell good to a man.<\/p>\n

Bacon, freshly cut grass, dirty sneakers, puppy dogs and pizza is a good start.<\/p>\n

Motor oil would be a plus.<\/p>\n

I spend time in there pondering stuff and I need to maintain a clear mind.<\/p>\n

The whole thing is just too weird.<\/p>\n

Someone take me.
\nPlease.<\/p>\n

Before I get more grumpy.<\/p>\n

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