{"id":2506,"date":"2015-03-13T05:30:57","date_gmt":"2015-03-13T15:30:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=2506"},"modified":"2015-03-22T00:06:37","modified_gmt":"2015-03-22T10:06:37","slug":"all-the-poop-in-the-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=2506","title":{"rendered":"All the poop in the world"},"content":{"rendered":"

Somewhere in the trees and bushes of my back yard is a bird nest.<\/p>\n

Actually, there’s probably many of them – but this one I know about.<\/p>\n

In it are two baby doves with an occasional visit by momma bringing bugs for dinner.<\/p>\n

I know this because the wife is obsessed with checking this thing several times a day.<\/p>\n

\"Damn<\/a>She won’t let the yard people trim this one tree that’s leaning against the fence because she’s afraid it will disturb the little darlings.<\/p>\n

She’s a fine woman.<\/p>\n

The birds will grow up, learn to fly and then spend the remainder of their lives trying to sneak into the house and poop over the kitchen.<\/p>\n

There is one very fat dove that’s been doing this for years.<\/p>\n

Or maybe it’s more than one.
\nThey all look the same to me.<\/p>\n

You’ve seen one dove you’ve seen them all.<\/p>\n

They all poop a lot.<\/p>\n

These aren’t your white doves you see on Christmas cards and rich people weddings.<\/p>\n

They are grey.
\nAnd pretty ugly as birds go.<\/p>\n

\"bird-poop-sized\"<\/a>And hungry.
\nDid I mention they poop a lot?<\/p>\n

The word has gotten out that we sometimes forget to pick up the dog bowl from the kitchen floor.<\/p>\n

Food is served.
\nCome and get it.<\/p>\n

And they do.<\/p>\n

The damn things waddle through the open sliding door from the back yard, navigate the family room, sashay into the kitchen and check the meal de jour.<\/p>\n

Just like they own the place.<\/p>\n

If we close the door the dog can’t go outside so he poops in the family room.
\nIf we leave the door open the bird comes in and poops in the kitchen.<\/p>\n

Life is a series of choices.<\/p>\n

Before you make this suggestion, understand the dog’s too dumb to use a doggy-door.
\nThat option is off the table.<\/p>\n

And if I yell at the bird the stupid thing flies into the window over the sink, knocks itself silly and lands behind some fake plants in this bay window.<\/p>\n

We can’t reach it without climbing up on the sink.<\/p>\n

So we try to lift it out with a Swiffer handle and aim it in the right direction where it flies\u00a0to the nearest tree to plot its return.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile the wife keeps going out many times a day to check on the nest and the next generation of kitchen poopers.<\/p>\n

Her heart fills with motherly love.
\nUntil they start marching into the house.<\/p>\n

See why I’m\u00a0grumpy?<\/p>\n

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