{"id":3288,"date":"2015-09-07T05:30:16","date_gmt":"2015-09-07T15:30:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=3288"},"modified":"2015-09-06T21:29:17","modified_gmt":"2015-09-07T07:29:17","slug":"an-ode-to-cats","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=3288","title":{"rendered":"Your cat doesn’t care"},"content":{"rendered":"

Have I mentioned I don’t have much use for cats?<\/p>\n

Well, I don’t.<\/p>\n

I think I just pissed off most of the women in the world.
\nSorry.<\/p>\n

It’s not that I hate cats.<\/p>\n

\"black-cat-sized\"<\/a>I had a cat when I was a tween.<\/p>\n

It was black and it had a bent tail that looked like a crank handle.<\/p>\n

It probably got caught in a door sometime in its life.<\/p>\n

Being young and still learning I thought the little bugger loved me.<\/p>\n

I think I called him “Blackie”.<\/p>\n

I wasn’t very creative at that age.<\/p>\n

He would purr and rub himself on me and when I went to sleep he’d end up curled up on my chest with his butt right under my nose.<\/p>\n

And he would start farting in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n

Really smelly,\u00a0putrid, icky, rank, reeking, gas-bomb, hydrogen-powered green clouds of noxious stink.<\/p>\n

Right up my nose.<\/p>\n

The cat would end up on the floor and I would end up with my head under the pillow thinking I was going to die.<\/p>\n

But that’s not why I don’t have much use for cats.<\/p>\n

Cats are…just there.<\/p>\n

We turn to science…
\nResearchers in Lincoln, England, where they study things that are not real important, say cats don’t need their owners to feel secure and safe.<\/p>\n

What they’re saying is cats couldn’t give a damn.<\/p>\n

They say they proved it because cats don’t have separation anxiety when you leave the house.<\/p>\n

Not like dogs.<\/p>\n

Dogs start worrying – cats just goes to sleep.<\/p>\n

And when they wake up they just go destroy something.<\/p>\n

The scientists say cats, unlike dogs, do not need humans to feel protected.<\/p>\n

\"mean<\/a>If you’re a cat lover I suppose you’re thinking, “See? My cat stays because it loves me.”<\/p>\n

Hey, if someone scratched me, gave me food and a warm place to stay – I’d hang around too.<\/p>\n

Invite me over, do that and I’m yours.<\/p>\n

For a while.<\/p>\n

The second the cat gets pissed off they\u2019ll just walk out.<\/p>\n

And a cat won’t come or answer to its name.<\/p>\n

“Hey Fred! Come here.”
\nDirty look – if the thing even acknowledges you spoke to it.<\/p>\n

Now, your dog is another story.<\/p>\n

If I have to explain the bond between dogs and humans, you must be a cat person and no logic will sway you.<\/p>\n

In that case – go watch some cat videos on YouTube.
\nLike this one.<\/p>\n

If you think it’s cute, you’re an insufferable cat person.<\/p>\n

If you think it proved my point, you’re an upstanding, highly intelligent, drinking buddy dog person.<\/p>\n