{"id":347,"date":"2013-09-05T06:00:50","date_gmt":"2013-09-05T16:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=347"},"modified":"2013-09-05T19:54:37","modified_gmt":"2013-09-06T05:54:37","slug":"someone-please-bring-me-food","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=347","title":{"rendered":"Someone please bring me food"},"content":{"rendered":"

I don’t think I’m\u00a0rich enough for the wife.<\/p>\n

I can tell because of what time we eat dinner.<\/p>\n

To be clear, she’s a good woman who tries hard to take care of me.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it’s by nagging me about something until the Stockholm Syndrome takes over and I give in.<\/p>\n

I do try to be an\u00a0exceptional husband.<\/p>\n

Sometimes she brings me home a present after she’s been out hitting Macy’s big time where she spent hours trying on ugly shoes.<\/p>\n

\"Plate-lunch-sized\"<\/a>Frequently dinner comes from some lunch plate counter, but that’s better than what I would make for myself.<\/p>\n

This may be surprising but one can get tired of macaroni and cheese with chopped up hot dogs no matter how\u00a0excellent that may sound.<\/p>\n

She willingly makes the time to get\u00a0dinner after a long day of working and shopping.<\/p>\n

Seriously, the woman’s a saint.<\/p>\n

The problem is what time we eat.<\/p>\n

Dinner (in whatever form) usually happens between 7:30 and 8:30.<\/p>\n

I’m sure if I didn’t go into my starvation routine it would be closer to 9 o’clock.<\/p>\n

That’s the time zone the rich people eat and they make\u00a0stuff like grilled beef heart with herbed vinaigrette and other\u00a0things I don’t know about.<\/p>\n

And they call it “supper” and it’s usually served with a glass of wine.<\/p>\n

My mother always fed me at 6:00 and that’s when my stomach starts nagging me.<\/p>\n

I try not to whine too much\u00a0because it might interrupt her girlfriend’s phone calls or chatting with 5 of them at once on Facebook.<\/p>\n

So I cruise the internet looking for food porn until whenever dinner time happens to be that night.<\/p>\n

Food porn, for those who don’t know, is big juicy, warm, yummy, naked pictures of the stuff\u00a0we’re told we\u00a0can’t have on a regular basis because\u00a0it’ll supposedly kill you.<\/p>\n

Double cheeseburgers, McDonald’s\u00a0fries, hot fudge sundaes, Dobash cake, baked potato…
\n…the list is endless.<\/p>\n

If it’s good, it’s bad.<\/p>\n

All the\u00a0wonderful things in life that bring a look of horror and a scolding from my doctor.<\/p>\n

I remind the\u00a0her I spent the first half of my life eating junk food and maybe it’s the secret to longevity.<\/p>\n

She responds, “Yes, and look at you now.”<\/p>\n

I can’t win.<\/p>\n

Everything changes\u00a0when the kids and grandchildren come over\u00a0Saturday night.<\/p>\n

Then she goes all out and it’s like a restaurant with 3 or 4 choices – all cooked by her and served up\u00a0at 6:30.<\/p>\n

I die and go to heaven on the weekends – and then it’s back to normal.<\/p>\n

Whatever happened to the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.<\/p>\n

At a reasonable hour.<\/p>\n

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