{"id":575,"date":"2013-10-28T05:30:38","date_gmt":"2013-10-28T15:30:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=575"},"modified":"2013-10-27T21:33:10","modified_gmt":"2013-10-28T07:33:10","slug":"mrs-marcos-would-be-proud","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/grumpyseniors.com\/?p=575","title":{"rendered":"Mrs. Marcos would be proud"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Ugly-boots-sized\"<\/a>I usually think I have most things figured out.<\/p>\n

There’s a scientific explanation for most stuff except the fascination women have with\u00a0shoes.<\/p>\n

It appears it’s up to me to come up with one.<\/p>\n

I’m up for the task.<\/p>\n

Ladies\u00a0spend a ton of money on this stuff and then schlep around in rubber slippers.<\/p>\n

Take the wife,\u00a0please.<\/p>\n

She has dozens of shoes.
\nSome I’m not sure she has worn more than once.<\/p>\n

And to me they all look somewhat the same.
\nLow heel, open toe with some sparkly doo-dads on the front strap part.<\/p>\n

Now take me, please.<\/p>\n

I\u00a0have four pairs of shoes.
\nOne black, one brown, one canvas-type and one semi-retired, beat up pair of unknown type for working in the yard.<\/p>\n

I’m covered for every event, no matter what.<\/p>\n

All are loafer style – because at my age, if I lean down to tie my laces I may not get back up.<\/p>\n

That’s it.
\nThat’s all a guy needs.<\/p>\n

Recognizing the importance of this issue I have pondered it for about three minutes.<\/p>\n

I have to limit my pondering to that or I get sleepy and need a nap.<\/p>\n

Some conclusions, suitable for a scientific paper:<\/p>\n

The first shoe was invented, presumably, when someone stuck their foot inside a rabbit.<\/p>\n

Their popularity grew as people noticed how shoes dramatically increased their running speed, which improved their odds of escaping mammoths and saber-toothed tigers.<\/p>\n

One week later, shoes became a valued fashion accessory for the lady of the house.<\/p>\n

Turning to the Internet where the sum of all knowledge is stored:<\/p>\n

Scientific studies have proved two-thirds of men own less than six pairs of shoes.<\/p>\n

The average woman owns somewhere between a shit-ton of shoes and a number of shoes so vast it had to wait for scientific notation to be invented to be expressed on paper.<\/p>\n

Actually the average American woman owns\u00a020 pairs.<\/p>\n

But I think that study was flawed.
\nTwenty pairs are nothing.<\/p>\n

The wife blew past that number at the age of 14.<\/p>\n

While us guys don’t\u00a0understand women’s religious zeal for footwear, ladies don’t\u00a0understand men are incapable of caring about them, and sometimes, somehow, inexplicably don’t notice shoes at all.<\/p>\n

Actually, I have come up with the scientific\u00a0answer to why that happens.
\nShoes are easy for men to miss because they’re as far away from the eyes as possible.<\/p>\n

Let’s say an attractive woman enters a room with several men in it.
\nThis has happened a couple of times before in my life so you may consider me an expert.<\/p>\n

In noticing the lady, the men will tend to go for the eye contact first (“I love you. Wanna make out?”) and when answered with a blank stare will start working their way down.<\/p>\n

But the path a male eye must follow between a girl’s eyes and her feet is loaded with detours.<\/p>\n

Usually the male\u00a0will never make it to the knee, having stopped for so long elsewhere that the woman has left the area muttering something about “perverts”.<\/p>\n

\"Clown-Shoes-sized\"<\/a>A women could win the man of her dreams while wearing clown shoes over bulging hobbit feet.<\/p>\n

We wouldn’t notice.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, most women have a seemingly clairvoyant ability to see and appreciate a person’s footwear, usually within milliseconds of seeing them.<\/p>\n

This ability is so powerful, it apparently is unaffected by crowds, poor lighting, extreme distance, nakedness or the person in question entering the room while engulfed in flames.<\/p>\n

For example, if a half-naked android Daniel Craig walked into a restaurant beating on a drum, any women in the area would notice –\u00a0in order:<\/p>\n

1) He’s wearing socks with sandals and it doesn’t look very stylish.
\n2) His pecs and they look wonderful.
\n3) He’s randomly hitting a drum and it’s loud.
\n4) That an android Daniel Craig is indistinguishable from the real one.<\/p>\n

When the wife is done admiring her shoes for 20 minutes in front of the mirror she shows them to me.<\/p>\n

The usual response is, “They look like all your other shoes.”<\/p>\n

She thinks I’m grumpy.<\/p>\n

I can’t win.<\/p>\n

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