Emailed to Pizza Hut Hawaii today.
Communication is the heart of love.

Dear Mr. Pizza Hut:

The wife picked up a couple of pizzas last night.

She does this only once each couple of months because she consistently is unhappy with the outcome.

The gentle soul she is forgives and forgets and eventually she finds herself bringing home manna from Heaven once again.

Being an expert on eating pizza, I had disagreed with her assessments in the past.

Pizza has always been at the top of my food pyramid with cheeseburgers and Dobash Cake…
Until last night.

First, I want to congratulate your test kitchen for finding a replacement for rubber.
I’m sure your potential expansion into the tire business is now assured.

May I also suggest you consider a waterproof clothing line?

Further, I respect your inspired corporate policy that allows the hiring of people who are encouraged to experiment.
After all, penicillin was discovered by letting some bread get moldy to see what happened.

Think what could be done with pizza dough!

One can only admire the care and concern that must have gone into producing that product last night.
Good job!

I look forward to what the future holds the next time we may visit your Waipio, Hawaii establishment.

I eagerly wait to see future developments that might provide raw materials for construction or the steel industry.

Think of the potential.

Finally, I have the greatest respect for your company’s fiscal policies and how Pizza Hut makes sure shareholder value continues to grow.

I would have never thought of decreasing the amount of toppings while keeping the price the same.

This is brilliant and I’m sure MBA courses will eagerly embrace this innovative idea as a fine example of keeping the customer happy and increasing stock price.

I would be pleased to submit a letter of recommendation upon your request.

I am so impressed with the changes in Pizza Hut that I can only suspect other companies will want to follow suit.
We have decided to give Papa Johns our business for a while to see how it responds.

These are exciting times and I thank you for joining several other brand leaders on the road to mediocrity.

Damn pizza made me grumpy.

UPDATE:
Pizza Hut Hawaii Customer Service has not responded to my wonderful email.
Must have made them grumpy.