I think I need a new car.
I like my Jeep and it’s only two years old but there’s not enough room for the wife.
When I bought it, the first thing I did was rip out the back seat so I’d have some space to carry my stuff.
A man always needs to travel with some of his stuff.
One never knows when one might need it.
But the occasional time the wife rides with me, it’s isn’t big enough.
It needs a back seat for her backseat driving.
I went to a wedding Saturday night.
I don’t normally go to weddings and funerals.
I prefer to remember people when they are single and alive.
My preference.
What can I say.
The wife caught a ride with friends so she could get there early and socialize.
I got there when the food was ready, which is always the best time to get anywhere.
Showing extraordinary good sense, the newly wedded couple didn’t have one of those two-hour slide show presentations of their life, so we got out at a reasonable hour.
Bless them.
But then all the way home…
“How come you’re going this way?”
“Last time I came out here I used that other turn.”
“Are you sure you’re supposed to turn here?”
“You sure waited a long time to put the brakes on.”
I’m going where the expensive, answer-your-phone, check-the-weather GPS is telling me.
Unless it’s into a creek I’m happy with it picking the route.
Take if from a guy that’s been married for seems like a million years – telling the wife to put a sock in it doesn’t work.
Sweet things like her don’t like it.
It’s the fastest way to the doghouse and I won’t need an expensive, answer-your-phone, check-the-weather GPS to find it.
In a situation like this there are two choices:
Answer each comment with something sweet or something sarcastic.
Throwing up and saying you’re very sick is also an option but I don’t know any guy who would willingly barf in his own car.
Anyway, one will keep her happy but chatty all the way home.
One will bring peace and quiet in the car followed by death and destruction later.
I’ll leave it up to you to figure out the proper one for your particular situation.
Choose wisely.
Pleading deafness from old age doesn’t work either.
That just shifts the entire one-sided conversation to getting a hearing aid.
That’s why old people stop driving and why us old guys are grumpy.