It’s getting close to that magical morning when I stumble out of bed, weave my way around the dogs, trip over some of the many throw rugs the wife likes to use to cover the wood floors and race into the living room to see what Santa left under the tree we have yet to put up.

The wife lately has been saying I’m a grump.

Of course that’s impossible, especially this time of year.
I am everything the Christmas spirit should be.

She’s just stressed out over shopping – something she usually lives for.

The wife says I’m too hard to buy for because I have everything.

That’s also not quite true.

She forgets new stuff is invented every year so that means I couldn’t have everything.

And I still have room in my garage.
That should be all the scientific proof necessary.

Nevertheless, I’m worried Santa may need some help when it comes to giving me the perfect gift under the tree.

There must be a bazillion new things out this year alone.

Not being one to leave things to chance, I’ve been putting my Christmas wish list together for Santa…

There’s the Hula Chair.

A 2,800 rpm motor under the seat wiggles your rear end at multiple speeds so your butt is going crazy.

The idea is tone the muscles and have a perfect tush.

I would be proud to have one.
I promise to be careful my butt doesn’t fall off.

In case Santa doesn’t have time to get the elves to whip one up, I’d be pleased for a pair of Underwear Gloves.

Santa knows it’s not cold here but the fashion statement would seriously make the wife cry with happiness.

She accuses me of having no sense of fashion, which we all know is not true.

This is sure to change her mind and make her proud to be seen with me about town.

And I’ll remember to tell Santa Claus in my letter about the plate of cookies left for him.

Chocolate chip, of course.
Which I might eat before going to bed.

This is such a great list I’m going to print it out and send it to Santa right away.

With a copy to the wife.

Then go out and make some room in the garage.