Most people probably never heard that term before.

It’s apparently reserved for scientific conferences and my wife’s girlfriends.

Here’s the story…

Two years ago I threw a surprise birthday party for the sparkle in my eye.

I really put a lot of work into it.

I badgered all her friends so much they came just so I’d go away.

It was such a hit her best friend said I’d be golden for two years.

The scientific definition of “golden” is one could do no wrong, or turn lead into gold.

Same thing, actually, because we know neither is possible.

The unscientific term golden goes back to the first duck that was ever seen, “Hey, look at that gold bird! Water just runs off that thing. He must be golden.”

Women, who are immediately drawn to things gold and diamond, made the word as part of their secret language.

The concept of doing something so great the wife would actually like me more than some new pair of shoes is a profound discovery.

Of course, regardless of what her girlfriend said to me, my goldenness only lasted about a month.

Keep the thought as we flash forward to last week.

The wife puts a picture of us on her Facebook page.

It has to be the most ugly one in the entire universe.

They say love is blind but that’s not the case here so I have to suspect she wants people to feel sorry for her or she picked it while angry at me for something.

Unfortunately the list is so long I’ll never be able to pinpoint what that something might be this week.

For all I know it could be in anticipation for something I will do at a later time as yet to be determined.

The wife is a saver and she tucks away lots of stuff for later use – including transgressions of every sort, great or small.

The scientific reality is even if husbands were able to do something they consider magical, the goldenness never lasts very long.

Like a good cigar its shelf life is never very long.

Moving on…next week we’re going to Las Vegas.

She’s going to hang out with her friends and I’ll visit my money.

I’ll also drive her to every mall and clothing sale within 50 miles of the hotel without grumbling once.

I will patiently wait for her, load her many purchased items in the trunk and move on to the next store while she is all a-flitter with anticipation at what bargain she might find just around the corner.

Shopping makes her happy, as it does for the majority of the ladies.

That’s good because any husband will tell you – if the wife’s not happy, she’ll make damn sure you aren’t either.

But the reality is I’m not golden for doing all that service with a smile – she thinks that’s the way it’s always supposed to be.

I’m not saying the wife is a grump – but she does have her moments where her absolutely sterling personality is not up to its sometimes usual wonderfulness.

But she takes very good care of me and I give her more than her share of grief.

But most wife’s have this special view that husbands are always supposed to do magical things daily to make them happy.

The scientific truth is – that’s impossible.
Guys aren’t built that way.

We can do good stuff for only so long before this overriding urge destroys the nice side of our brain and we do something really stupid when the wife is around.

No sane man willingly chooses a path of self-destruction.
And yet here I go, hurtling toward the edge of the precipice.

Golden doesn’t enter into it.

That’s another reason old guys can be grumpy.