Bonus: amuse yourself by guessing what song the headline came from.

My birthday arrived last weekend.
Quietly, which was exactly how I wanted it.

At my age that’s not something one goes around announcing, unless you think everyone would be surprised you’re still here.

I’ve now been telling people I’m 39 years old for thirty years.

I suspect it may be reaching the point no one believes me anymore no matter how youthful I may – or may not – look.

Probably “may not”.

I went to the Internet and looked up the names of celebrities that would be my age.
A large portion of the list were people who are dead.

That’s depressing although it’s proof that booze, sex and rock n’ roll doesn’t necessarily equal a long life.

Since I am an expert at being old I’d like to share this happy event and help you plan your life.

Here’s what you will have to look forward to when you get really old like me:

– Oldies stations consider the music you grew up with as too ancient to play.
You think it’s the best stuff ever.

I have a friend with a gazillion CD’s and he’s always paying music that goes back to the prehistoric age of rock.
His home sounds like a cross between a 1950’s radio station, New Orleans ’60s blues dive and Dick Clark’s American Bandstand.

He’s happy as a clam.

– Not matter what you think you see in the mirror, that’s not you.
Delusion is a wonderful thing, but after enough people call you “old” it stops working.

– You’ll look for “sensible” and “comfortable” clothes when shopping.
Bonus if they are both “roomy” and “flattering”, which we know is impossible.

– Your favorite foods will now wreak havoc on your insides.
The current trend in fast food to spicy-as-hell is sure death.

– Hangovers will destroy you.
First you think you’re dying, then you think you died and now you’re dead.

– Quiet never sounded so good.

– Your back will hurt for no damn reason.
Same goes for your feet.

– Your clothes aren’t the only thing with wrinkles.

But nature has a wonderful way of making whatever age you’re at seemingly okay.

You should welcome old age, especially when you think of the people who never had a chance to get there.

I’ve learned the best way to deal with old age is to ignore it.
And that includes birthday parties.

So this year the wife cooked at home for the brood.

It was sort of the usual every other Saturday family dinner thing except there’s a birthday cake there.

With so many candles one has to turn off the fire alarm before lighting them.

And forget blowing them out in a single breath.

The best thing to do is smother it with something big and fireproof.

I’m 69.
Mixed feelings about that number.

The whole thing makes me grumpy.