Through a quirk in the space-time continuum, I found myself with some idle time, again, so I started pondering some important stuff.

There are some universal truths that eventually become evident when you get old and it’s too late to utilize them to make any difference in your life.

Let’s run through the list, shall we?

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

There is rarely a day that mattresses are not on sale.

Pushing the button on a cross walk light a million times does nothing.

Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence.
After all, intelligence has its limits.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

A good friend will bail you out of jail.
A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Wow, what a night.”

Then there are the questions I have not found the answers to, yet.

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

How can something be “new” and “improved”?
If it’s new, what was it improving on?

How far east can I go before I’m heading west?

As you see, I have a lot of work left to do.

This is why old people get grumpy.
So many questions – so little time.

Go ahead – I have an answer for you.

When the wife and I have a disagreement – which is rare – she always says, “You have an answer for everything”.

How nice of her to show her appreciation for my intellect.

Of course I’m ignoring the dirty look that comes with that statement.

But I do have answers.
Some good, most wrong.

I’ve made a career out of being wrong.

Let’s get this straight – I’m not a know-it-all.
I only spout off if asked a question.

If you ask me what I think, I’ll gladly tell you.

And it’ll be backed by a ton of excellent reasons and scientific theory that appear to make perfect sense.

I might even get you to agree with me.

The chances are high…
I won’t be right.

If you want to know the answer to something important, go on, ask me.

Then put your money on something else.

It’s a gift.
I should rent myself out.

That’s not to say I don’t get some things right, but it doesn’t add up to enough to be proud of.

Which is close to what the wife has been trying to say, I think.

That’s depressing.

Now I’m grumpy.

Since last Sunday was Mother’s Day, I gave some thought to how my lovely bride is turning into her mother.

It’s as good thing because her mom was a neat lady.

Since I’m married, I can be considered an expert on this transformation.

I share this because it happens to all wives.
You should be ready because tt’s just a matter of when.

Here’s what to look out for:

She signs her text messages.
Sends thank-you notes.
Takes a jacket, just in case.
Sensible undergarments.
Half-slips.
Bras that offer a lot of “support.”
Jewelry made by a child even if it is terrible.
Eating half of a cookie but then deciding to also eat the other half.
Yogurt.
Making food just so you can have the leftovers.
Getting a doggie bag at a restaurant even when there’s basically nothing left.
Anything from Ross.
Anything from Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Scented candles, but rarely lights them.
Kitchen herb gardens.
Driving other people places.
Calling someone just to say hi.
Cutting things out of newspapers and magazines.
Giving those clippings to people who she thinks would appreciate them.
Coupons.
Bragging about how little she spent on something.
Facebook, yes.
Twitter, not really.
Saving mementos and filling every available space with them.
Covering every wall with pictures but hating clutter.
Showing people pictures of her pets/children/plants.
Reality TV.
Worrying.

If your sweetie has more than 50-percent of the above…
Say hi to mom.