Fixing the White House’s problem

I try to stay away from politics because the NSA might put me on the No Fly list.
That would stop my yearly pilgrimage to Las Vegas.

They know how to hit a guy where it hurts.

But I couldn’t let this one go by.
The White House needs my help and I’m stepping up to the plate.

Considering some of the decisions that have come out of there lately, this is a good thing.

There’s a plan afoot to reduce the nation’s greenhouse gas emissions.

That’s a good thing except for how they want to do it.

According to this story I saw, the Obama administration is aiming directly at the dairy industry.

cow faceAs you know from an earlier story I did, cows fart – a lot.

In fact they **poof** out enough methane in 24 hours to run a refrigerator for a day.

The government, which apparently has few major problems to deal with these days, wants to cut back methane **poofs** from dairy cows by 25 percent over the next five years.

That’s a big reduction.

The trouble is the White House hasn’t said how it would do this so I assume that part hasn’t been worked out yet.

There does seem to be a small problem with not thinking things through in Washington.

That’s okay, I’m here to help.

First, every plan needs a catchy title to get the public’s attention.
I dub thee “Obamafart”.

I shall come up with an answer for this problem.

I have two solutions on the table.

One is to keep them all locked up and suck out the air a couple of times a day.

That should be a lot of methane.

Then sell the stuff for people’s stoves.

Not sure how that would smell and there’s probably not enough big airtight buildings to hold all the cows.

big cork 1Moving on and putting my scientific mind to work, I pondered this for about a minute and came up with the perfect answer on cutting back cow **poofs**.

The scientific process is one of testing theories until one actually  works.

Of course the cows might get grumpy but I don’t care.

No need for a state dinner – just mail me my award.

Aiea speak

I have the feeling this is going to upset some people.

It shouldn’t.

It’s based on scientific studies on how communities change to be different from those around them.
It Darwinism at it’s best.

It’s still going to piss some people off.

It’s taken me almost twenty years but I’ve learned a new language.
Not that I use it.

But I can understand it and read it – if anyone were to write that way – which they don’t.
I think.

The wife and I lived for a long time in Hawaii Kai.

But as the years slipped by she longed for the motherland – Aiea.

It’s where she grew up and has her roots, so to speak.
A place where she can find lots of tofu.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI couldn’t find a picture of old-time Aiea except for those with the sugar mill.

So, here’s my motorcycle.

The lovely lass has put up with me, as wonderful as I am, for a long time.

The least I could do is pack everything we own and buy a home in central Oahu.

I still miss Makapuu and driving past Hanauma Bay.

But she’s happy and that’s important to me.

We all know – if the wife is unhappy she’ll make damn sure the husband is too.
Call it an investment on my part.

When the winds blows in the right direction she can smell Aiea from where we live and her heart goes all a-flutter and she is content.

We’ve been here for a about eight years now and she has slowly reverted to Aiea-speak.

Apparently Aiea has its own language and I’m proud to admit I am now bi-lingual.

I’m no English teacher so I can’t explain what she does to the English language, except mangle it.

Yeah-1One of our dogs is named “Toby”.

He’s the sick one we have to carry a lot.

When the wife stops checking Facebook for 30 seconds, she starts in…
“Toby come”
“Toby shee-shee?”
“Toby outside?”

Then there’s the ever famous…
“Toby mum-mum?”
…for dinner.

yeah-2Listening to her talk to her girlfriends on the phone usually consists of, “Yeah yeah yeah”.

If she’s really in agreement it can stretch to, “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah”.

Now, this has to be spoken in the right way.
Each yeah slides right into the next.

No pausing or you’re speaking gibberish.

One can only imagine what’s going on at the other end of the phone.

I’m only touching on this strange language.

It’s easy to learn Aiea-speak.
Just drop adverbs, adjectives, pronouns, a lot of verbs and most other things you learned in school.

No, it’s not pidgin.
It’s a completely different language.

Boy, am I going to catch hell when she sees this.

“Courtney die.”

My greatest award

There’s little doubt I’ve lived a charmed life for which I’m grateful.

Mostly it’s been real good.
And the few bad things weren’t go to jail material.

I’ve had eight different careers which should give you some idea of how long I have been working.
Life has not been boring.

I know a lot of stuff, most of it worthless.
But I’m fun to have at a party after a beer or two.

Over the years I’ve been honored to be the recipient of a number of awards.

Some because I showed up sober and fit for work.
Some because I screwed up and actually did a good job.
Some because I was just standing around when they were handed out.

Regardless, all are appreciated and a few were suitable for framing.

They went on my I Love Me wall.

Everyone should have one.

Whenever you’re feeling worthless and ugly, which I’m sure is rare, cruise by all that stuff hanging on the wall and instantly feel wonderful again.

But back to me…

Friday a government agency presented me with the best yet.

I’m the only one in the State of Hawaii to have been given this particular one.

Truly one-in-a-million.
How many can say that?

It’s not on my wall but it goes with me almost everywhere to proclaim my specialness to the world at large.

The wife says it suits me perfectly.
Apparently the government agrees.
Grump PlateIs this great or what?