I usually think I have most things figured out.
There’s a scientific explanation for most stuff except the fascination women have with shoes.
It appears it’s up to me to come up with one.
I’m up for the task.
Ladies spend a ton of money on this stuff and then schlep around in rubber slippers.
Take the wife, please.
She has dozens of shoes.
Some I’m not sure she has worn more than once.
And to me they all look somewhat the same.
Low heel, open toe with some sparkly doo-dads on the front strap part.
Now take me, please.
I have four pairs of shoes.
One black, one brown, one canvas-type and one semi-retired, beat up pair of unknown type for working in the yard.
I’m covered for every event, no matter what.
All are loafer style – because at my age, if I lean down to tie my laces I may not get back up.
That’s all a guy needs.
Recognizing the importance of this issue I have pondered it for about three minutes.
I have to limit my pondering to that or I get sleepy and need a nap.
Some conclusions, suitable for a scientific paper:
The first shoe was invented, presumably, when someone stuck their foot inside a rabbit.
Their popularity grew as people noticed how shoes dramatically increased their running speed, which improved their odds of escaping mammoths and saber-toothed tigers.
One week later, shoes became a valued fashion accessory for the lady of the house.
Turning to the Internet where the sum of all knowledge is stored:
Scientific studies have proved two-thirds of men own less than six pairs of shoes.
The average woman owns somewhere between a shit-ton of shoes and a number of shoes so vast it had to wait for scientific notation to be invented to be expressed on paper.
Actually the average American woman owns 20 pairs.
But I think that study was flawed.
Twenty pairs are nothing.
The wife blew past that number at the age of 14.
While us guys don’t understand women’s religious zeal for footwear, ladies don’t understand men are incapable of caring about them, and sometimes, somehow, inexplicably don’t notice shoes at all.
Actually, I have come up with the scientific answer to why that happens.
Shoes are easy for men to miss because they’re as far away from the eyes as possible.
Let’s say an attractive woman enters a room with several men in it.
This has happened a couple of times before in my life so you may consider me an expert.
In noticing the lady, the men will tend to go for the eye contact first (“I love you. Wanna make out?”) and when answered with a blank stare will start working their way down.
But the path a male eye must follow between a girl’s eyes and her feet is loaded with detours.
Usually the male will never make it to the knee, having stopped for so long elsewhere that the woman has left the area muttering something about “perverts”.
A women could win the man of her dreams while wearing clown shoes over bulging hobbit feet.
We wouldn’t notice.
On the other hand, most women have a seemingly clairvoyant ability to see and appreciate a person’s footwear, usually within milliseconds of seeing them.
This ability is so powerful, it apparently is unaffected by crowds, poor lighting, extreme distance, nakedness or the person in question entering the room while engulfed in flames.
For example, if a half-naked android Daniel Craig walked into a restaurant beating on a drum, any women in the area would notice – in order:
1) He’s wearing socks with sandals and it doesn’t look very stylish.
2) His pecs and they look wonderful.
3) He’s randomly hitting a drum and it’s loud.
4) That an android Daniel Craig is indistinguishable from the real one.
When the wife is done admiring her shoes for 20 minutes in front of the mirror she shows them to me.
The usual response is, “They look like all your other shoes.”
She thinks I’m grumpy.
I can’t win.