Lighting up the world

Looking-inside-my-head-sizedI should have my head examined.

Not that anyone would find much of interest inside.

The wife has this thing for flashlights.

They’re scattered all over the house.

She breaks them so I buy her more.

I walked around the house yesterday and counted maybe a dozen broken or otherwise non-working flashlights.

That means there are probably a total of 1,837 flashlights here and there.

We could light up a village somewhere.
If they worked.

I’m not sure what she actually does with them but I’m fairly sure she hasn’t mastered the off button.

Almost all the flashlights have dead batteries.

Instead of getting new batteries, she tells me her flashlight doesn’t work.
So I buy her a couple more.

many-flashlights-sized1The pile gets bigger.

It’s almost a standard item I get at the hardware store – like light bulbs for her bathroom and nails, and screws and stuff like that.

I’ve spent between $1.49 and $50 for a flashlight.

Sometimes in packs of three…or more.

If the house ever caught fire the fire department would probably evacuate the entire neighborhood because of the danger of hazardous fumes from burning batteries.

Windup_flashlightYears ago she tried one of those flashlights you shake to charge it up.
It was broken in a week.

I have a four-year old Coast flashlight I keep in my office desk drawer.

It works just fine.

I’ve seen her look at it with longing more than once.
She can’t have it.

1 – it works, and
2 – she’d break it or whatever

There’s an answer to all this – somewhere.
It’s not in the song “You Light Up my Life.”

Trying to find it is making me grumpy.

Tis the season

Sometimes I just don’t learn.
Part of my charm, I guess.

Here I go again.
It’s a yearly thing.

A couple of days before Christmas and I’ve got to get my butt off the couch and hit the stores or all the wife will get is a lump of coal.

This close to December 25th should see some good bargains.

Walmart-fight-sizedOf course they’ll be the usual rude, push-and-shove mobs to go with them.

It’s too late to shop on-line so I’ll just have to take my biggest, baddest cane and wave it around like a mad man.

If I look grumpy maybe people will stay out of my way.

It hasn’t worked before but hope springs eternal.

Once again the wife says, “Don’t spend any money on me this year.”

I’ve been married long enough to know better.

There are two choices with her – jewelry and jewelry.

I tried clothes one year and the size, color and style were all wrong.
Lesson learned.

And a new pan is not her idea of a Christmas gift.
Another lesson learned.

So to all us guys who procrastinated ourselves into this position…you’re out of time.
Giddy up.

Go to a decent jewelry store, throw yourself at the mercy of a salesperson, if you can find one, and hope they gift wrap.

Women do not understand that guys don’t “shop”.
We “buy” and there’s a world of difference.


If they only understood how difficult shopping is for us they’d appreciate it more.


Merry Christmas.

I worry about this country

Not the political aspects, although there’s plenty to worry about there.

dumb1It’s the intelligence of some people.

Okay, some people are smarter than others.

But I have believed for many years there is no such thing as a dumb person.

Only people who don’t use their brain.
We all know a few of those.

But then I stumbled on one of these “Answer my question, please” websites and now I may have to reassess my opinion.

Some samples from real people:

Is it legal to kill an ant?

Did NASA invent thunderstorms to cover up the sound of space battles?

What percentage of water is celery?

How many calories are in a booger?

Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

I was bitten by a turtle as a child. Can I still drink orange juice?

I kissed a boy on the cheek and I’m worried I am pregnant and I can’t eat bananas.


How do I get YouTube to come film me? I keep calling them but no one comes.

No wonder we’re going to hell.

Makes me grumpy.