Will my finger fall off?

There was a time I thought women were stronger and braver than men.

Yes, I was quite enlightened.

Actually, no way I’d go through childbirth.

Scientific studies years ago kept saying it was true – and I’ll believe anything scientific.

But some recent studies are taking that back, and they might be right.

I always thought the wife was one of those braver-than-men types.

Anyone that handles dog poop and catches cockroaches in her bare hands is a hero to me.

But I was wrong.

My lady is a wuss.
A wimp.
A pansy.

Case in point…

Paper cutEveryone gets minor cuts and scrapes.
It’s part of living.

The wife doesn’t get a minor anything.
A paper cut becomes a 911 emergency.

“Is it infected”
“Change my band-aid. I can’t look at it.”
“Are you sure it’s okay?”
“It hurts. Should I go to the emergency room”?
“What if I get it wet?”
“Do I need stitches?”
“What if it gets worse?”
“Am I going to die?”

And that’s in the first 30 minutes.
And it goes on and on until it heals.

All bust up vectorI’ve busted bones and dripped blood all over the place.
Just give me a beer and it’ll be okay.

I just don’t understand it.

Grabbing a big roach with your bare hands is about the bravest thing in the world to me.

Then there is this whole “My finger is going to fall off” thing.

See why old guys get grumpy?

Stranded at the alter

Waiting for AnaToday as been a bit of a let down.

I put on my best galoshes and fishing slickers.
My old but clean t-shirt that said “I survived Iniki”.

I even bought a new umbrella.

I was ready and looking fine.

Standing by for my hugely anticipated blind date with Ana.

She turned out to be a tease.

I was stood up.

Very impolite.
Rude actually.

Now I’m grumpy.

Where’s my stuff?

I’m beginning to wonder what I’m doing wrong.

I follow a couple of popular blogs in some areas that interest me.

I do have other interests beside hugs and naps.

The big thing with these blogs now is ethics.

Not that most bloggers have any, but these folks write about certain industries.
Those industries give them free things like trips, dinners, gadgets.

Now they have my attention.

So, many of the bloggers have a page listing the freebies they’ve received and whether they ended up writing an article about the company.

The answer is usually yes.

This is an interesting concept.
Gimme stuff and I write about you.

How come I don’t get free stuff?

Geesh, I’d write 400 Pulitzer prize-winning words about how great a company is for a lousy pen.
Think what I’d do for a trip to Japan for me and the Misses.

Well, except Zippys.
I’m too pissed at them to ever take anything free to say good stuff.

And maybe Big City Diner too because of their crappy patty melt.

And most politicians.

And the folks that make the Airbus tin can plane.

They are now planning to make some of the restrooms on their planes smaller so they can squeeze in more seats.

No more mile high club.
One person will barely fit and forget two.

Another cherished tradition lost to the almighty profit column.

I have ethics.
It’s too late to change and write good stuff about those guys.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.
Everybody is getting free stuff except me.

Even the number of hugs has dropped to an all time low.

It’s getting to the point I might as well stay in bed.

Your awesomeThis blog is the #1 item to show on Google when you look for “Grumpy Seniors”.

That should be worth something from the denture, supplement and leaky bladder folks.

Of course I don’t need any of that stuff yet so that stuff is not high on my payola-for-words list.

Instead, may I suggest some creative thinking.

I-dont-leakHow about a round trip to Europe for me (the writer) and the wife (the boss) to study how old folks use their products in faraway places?

We can hang out in some bars and see what happens after people have too many beers or whatever they drink in these magical counties.

I could make a great viral YouTube video of people running down the hall.
“Look! No leaks!”

We can have some Ensure with our $1,000 dinner at 5-star restaurants in Hong Kong.

What a great endorsement that would be.

Fine-DIning“Ensure simply goes with everything. Every meal we had was complimented by its smooth, velvety taste. I can’t think of a better beverage to go with our meal. Ensure made us feel so good we swam from Hong Kong to Japan. We then climbed Mt. Fuji in our underwear in 10-feet of snow and finished off the evening by bringing lasting peace to the Middle East.”

Old folks have plenty of time on their hands and usually a few bucks because the kids are out.
Don’t ignore them.

As for those trips –
First class please.

You wouldn’t want me to be grumpy when I write about you.