All the poop in the world

Somewhere in the trees and bushes of my back yard is a bird nest.

Actually, there’s probably many of them – but this one I know about.

In it are two baby doves with an occasional visit by momma bringing bugs for dinner.

I know this because the wife is obsessed with checking this thing several times a day.

Damn doveShe won’t let the yard people trim this one tree that’s leaning against the fence because she’s afraid it will disturb the little darlings.

She’s a fine woman.

The birds will grow up, learn to fly and then spend the remainder of their lives trying to sneak into the house and poop over the kitchen.

There is one very fat dove that’s been doing this for years.

Or maybe it’s more than one.
They all look the same to me.

You’ve seen one dove you’ve seen them all.

They all poop a lot.

These aren’t your white doves you see on Christmas cards and rich people weddings.

They are grey.
And pretty ugly as birds go.

bird-poop-sizedAnd hungry.
Did I mention they poop a lot?

The word has gotten out that we sometimes forget to pick up the dog bowl from the kitchen floor.

Food is served.
Come and get it.

And they do.

The damn things waddle through the open sliding door from the back yard, navigate the family room, sashay into the kitchen and check the meal de jour.

Just like they own the place.

If we close the door the dog can’t go outside so he poops in the family room.
If we leave the door open the bird comes in and poops in the kitchen.

Life is a series of choices.

Before you make this suggestion, understand the dog’s too dumb to use a doggy-door.
That option is off the table.

And if I yell at the bird the stupid thing flies into the window over the sink, knocks itself silly and lands behind some fake plants in this bay window.

We can’t reach it without climbing up on the sink.

So we try to lift it out with a Swiffer handle and aim it in the right direction where it flies to the nearest tree to plot its return.

Meanwhile the wife keeps going out many times a day to check on the nest and the next generation of kitchen poopers.

Her heart fills with motherly love.
Until they start marching into the house.

See why I’m grumpy?

The cost of time

There’s an old saying…
A fool and his money are soon parted.

I come down in the fool side when it comes to buying stuff.

As a firm believer in “He who dies with the most toys wins”, I have an obligation to maintain my status as a leader in that race.

Then today my fool got a rude awakening.

Apple WtachesApple came out with the details of their new Watch.

I like electronic stuff and I was a proud owner of a Pulsar watch many years ago.

It’s was cool and that made me awesome.

I need all the help I can get.

Back to Apple.

You have got to be kidding me with those prices.

There’s three classes of watches.
The Sports watch with funky bands starts at $349.
More when you add the band.

The stainless steel watch – which I like – is $549 and depending on what band you want to come with it, the total could hit $1099.

Mickey-watch-sizedWe won’t even get into the gold watch that starts at ten-grand.
You got that much money then be my guest.

Buy me a stainless one, please.

I’ll write nice things about you.

Now, I’m an Apple fan and have the iPhone since the first one came out.

Every two years I schlep to the Apple store and get a new one.

But my wireless carrier subsidizes much of that cost.

No one is gonna help me with the watch.

And a couple of years from now when the thing has more goodies inside I get the buy another one because there’s no way to upgrade.

At full price.

I would kill for thisI’m a fool.
But I’m not stupid.
Unless it comes to something like this.

Imagine how happy the wife was to hear I was going to pass on it.

I’m grumpy over this.

UPDATE: Sigh, I bought one.
I love it.

I was smart – I bought one for the wife too.
She loves it.

Now she can’t complain.

Of tires and pizza

Emailed to Pizza Hut Hawaii today.
Communication is the heart of love.

Dear Mr. Pizza Hut:

The wife picked up a couple of pizzas last night.Pizza_Hut logo-sized

She does this only once each couple of months because she consistently is unhappy with the outcome.

The gentle soul she is forgives and forgets and eventually she finds herself bringing home manna from Heaven once again.

Being an expert on eating pizza, I had disagreed with her assessments in the past.

Pizza has always been at the top of my food pyramid with cheeseburgers and Dobash Cake…
Until last night.

pizza-tire-sizedFirst, I want to congratulate your test kitchen for finding a replacement for rubber.
I’m sure your potential expansion into the tire business is now assured.

pizza_sweaterMay I also suggest you consider a waterproof clothing line?

Further, I respect your inspired corporate policy that allows the hiring of people who are encouraged to experiment.
After all, penicillin was discovered by letting some bread get moldy to see what happened.

Think what could be done with pizza dough!

One can only admire the care and concern that must have gone into producing that product last night.
Good job!

I look forward to what the future holds the next time we may visit your Waipio, Hawaii establishment.

I eagerly wait to see future developments that might provide raw materials for construction or the steel industry.

Think of the potential.

Finally, I have the greatest respect for your company’s fiscal policies and how Pizza Hut makes sure shareholder value continues to grow.

crappy-pizza-1-sizedI would have never thought of decreasing the amount of toppings while keeping the price the same.

This is brilliant and I’m sure MBA courses will eagerly embrace this innovative idea as a fine example of keeping the customer happy and increasing stock price.

I would be pleased to submit a letter of recommendation upon your request.

I am so impressed with the changes in Pizza Hut that I can only suspect other companies will want to follow suit.
We have decided to give Papa Johns our business for a while to see how it responds.

These are exciting times and I thank you for joining several other brand leaders on the road to mediocrity.

Damn pizza made me grumpy.

Pizza Hut Hawaii Customer Service has not responded to my wonderful email.
Must have made them grumpy.