Item one –

There can be truth in a few words painted on something.
Short and to the point always trumps long-winded.

Item two –

The wife has a new coffee cup.
I suppose one of her girl friends gave it to her.

Let’s tie all this together.

At first I thought the cup was for me.
The saying is most appropriate.

She says, “Nope, it’s mine.”

I thought about that and it actually makes sense.

Now I have to look at it every morning while she slurps her coffee.

That’s called driving the message home.

I’ve always believed that husbands are the bottom of the list.

First come the children…
Then the girlfriends…
Then the dogs…
Then shopping…
Then her phone – connected to a girlfriend…
And back to shopping.

At the bottom – the lowly husband.
That’s me.

And you – if you are a husband-type person.

We do move up a number or two when the wife needs something to be done.

Like changing a lightbulb or batteries in her camera.

Then we slide back down again.

I’m okay with that.
It’s the way of the world and I’m not going to change her or the rules of nature.

It’s like black holes and the speed of light.
Accept it for what it is and move on.

Once in a while she lets us do something, like watch football, so we think we’re the boss around the house.

We’re easy to fool.

Women are wonderful.
Go do what you want anyway.

Just don’t tell her.

Here’s my sign to you.

Kindly act upon it.

Think of the years of pain and anguish I saved you.

Don’t be grumpy.
That’s my job.

Somewhere in the trees and bushes of my back yard is a bird nest.

Actually, there’s probably many of them – but this one I know about.

In it are two baby doves with an occasional visit by momma bringing bugs for dinner.

I know this because the wife is obsessed with checking this thing several times a day.

She won’t let the yard people trim this one tree that’s leaning against the fence because she’s afraid it will disturb the little darlings.

She’s a fine woman.

The birds will grow up, learn to fly and then spend the remainder of their lives trying to sneak into the house and poop over the kitchen.

There is one very fat dove that’s been doing this for years.

Or maybe it’s more than one.
They all look the same to me.

You’ve seen one dove you’ve seen them all.

They all poop a lot.

These aren’t your white doves you see on Christmas cards and rich people weddings.

They are grey.
And pretty ugly as birds go.

And hungry.
Did I mention they poop a lot?

The word has gotten out that we sometimes forget to pick up the dog bowl from the kitchen floor.

Food is served.
Come and get it.

And they do.

The damn things waddle through the open sliding door from the back yard, navigate the family room, sashay into the kitchen and check the meal de jour.

Just like they own the place.

If we close the door the dog can’t go outside so he poops in the family room.
If we leave the door open the bird comes in and poops in the kitchen.

Life is a series of choices.

Before you make this suggestion, understand the dog’s too dumb to use a doggy-door.
That option is off the table.

And if I yell at the bird the stupid thing flies into the window over the sink, knocks itself silly and lands behind some fake plants in this bay window.

We can’t reach it without climbing up on the sink.

So we try to lift it out with a Swiffer handle and aim it in the right direction where it flies to the nearest tree to plot its return.

Meanwhile the wife keeps going out many times a day to check on the nest and the next generation of kitchen poopers.

Her heart fills with motherly love.
Until they start marching into the house.

See why I’m grumpy?

There’s an old saying…
A fool and his money are soon parted.

I come down in the fool side when it comes to buying stuff.

As a firm believer in “He who dies with the most toys wins”, I have an obligation to maintain my status as a leader in that race.

Then today my fool got a rude awakening.

Apple came out with the details of their new Watch.

I like electronic stuff and I was a proud owner of a Pulsar watch many years ago.

It’s was cool and that made me awesome.

I need all the help I can get.

Back to Apple.

You have got to be kidding me with those prices.

There’s three classes of watches.
The Sports watch with funky bands starts at $349.
More when you add the band.

The stainless steel watch – which I like – is $549 and depending on what band you want to come with it, the total could hit $1099.

We won’t even get into the gold watch that starts at ten-grand.
You got that much money then be my guest.

Buy me a stainless one, please.

I’ll write nice things about you.

Now, I’m an Apple fan and have the iPhone since the first one came out.

Every two years I schlep to the Apple store and get a new one.

But my wireless carrier subsidizes much of that cost.

No one is gonna help me with the watch.

And a couple of years from now when the thing has more goodies inside I get the buy another one because there’s no way to upgrade.

At full price.

I’m a fool.
But I’m not stupid.
Unless it comes to something like this.

Imagine how happy the wife was to hear I was going to pass on it.

I’m grumpy over this.

UPDATE: Sigh, I bought one.
I love it.

I was smart – I bought one for the wife too.
She loves it.

Now she can’t complain.