Emailed to Pizza Hut Hawaii today.
Communication is the heart of love.

Dear Mr. Pizza Hut:

The wife picked up a couple of pizzas last night.

She does this only once each couple of months because she consistently is unhappy with the outcome.

The gentle soul she is forgives and forgets and eventually she finds herself bringing home manna from Heaven once again.

Being an expert on eating pizza, I had disagreed with her assessments in the past.

Pizza has always been at the top of my food pyramid with cheeseburgers and Dobash Cake…
Until last night.

First, I want to congratulate your test kitchen for finding a replacement for rubber.
I’m sure your potential expansion into the tire business is now assured.

May I also suggest you consider a waterproof clothing line?

Further, I respect your inspired corporate policy that allows the hiring of people who are encouraged to experiment.
After all, penicillin was discovered by letting some bread get moldy to see what happened.

Think what could be done with pizza dough!

One can only admire the care and concern that must have gone into producing that product last night.
Good job!

I look forward to what the future holds the next time we may visit your Waipio, Hawaii establishment.

I eagerly wait to see future developments that might provide raw materials for construction or the steel industry.

Think of the potential.

Finally, I have the greatest respect for your company’s fiscal policies and how Pizza Hut makes sure shareholder value continues to grow.

I would have never thought of decreasing the amount of toppings while keeping the price the same.

This is brilliant and I’m sure MBA courses will eagerly embrace this innovative idea as a fine example of keeping the customer happy and increasing stock price.

I would be pleased to submit a letter of recommendation upon your request.

I am so impressed with the changes in Pizza Hut that I can only suspect other companies will want to follow suit.
We have decided to give Papa Johns our business for a while to see how it responds.

These are exciting times and I thank you for joining several other brand leaders on the road to mediocrity.

Damn pizza made me grumpy.

UPDATE:
Pizza Hut Hawaii Customer Service has not responded to my wonderful email.
Must have made them grumpy.

Lemme make you feel better.

One of our dogs is old.
Real old.

The medical community calls this “end stage”.
It’s a nice way to say he’s dying.

Something we all face.

His list of infirmities is quite long and our primary job right now is to make him comfortable and monitor his quality of life.

It’s enough to say he has to be carried because he can’t walk and he gets a lot of medicine by eyedropper and other means.

This morning he was fed his special homemade moosh – over blended gooshy stuff because his tongue doesn’t work right.

Lots of other things don’t work right either.
Including deciding an appropriate time when to make #2.

So the food went in one end and other stuff came out the other.

Got that image in your mind?
Sorry.

And since the little guy was tucked under one arm while slurping his meal the other stuff started at my t-shirt and left a trail down to my leg.

A marvelous way to start the day.

Feeling better?

Good.
I’ll be grumpy for both of us.

This might as a surprise to some but it appears I am a voyeur at heart.

I never knew this lurked within my pristine and beautiful soul.

I recently installed a bunch of video surveillance cameras around the house.

My home looks like a classified military facility.

You never know when the bad guys will come.

If the law won’t let me shoot them – at least I can get their picture for hanging at the post office.

Most of the cameras are pointing at boring stuff like doors and empty rooms.

But one shows my driveway looking out to the street.

This is so it’ll catch the delinquents driving by checking things out at 2 in the morning or checking out the wife’s car in the driveway.

I’m finding myself staring at my monitor much of my free time just watching the road.

I could step outside the front door and do the same thing, in better color, but this is mesmerizing.

I should get a life.

This could be the 21st century version of the front porch chair.
If I had a front porch.

I feel like the guy in the Matrix or some weird movie about a psycho peeping tom.

Delicious.

The wife gets to pull out her phone at work and check the cameras to see if I’m throwing a party.
Gotta fix that.

We’ve come a long way from where no one locked their doors when I was a kid.

We could play in the street until 9 o’clock and not worry about some maniac teenager on drugs doing wheelies down the road.

The only traffic was the mosquito truck and it was great fun running behind it breathing in the oily DDT stuff.

Of course they got banned because the oily DDT stuff would kill you.
But it didn’t.

Now if my network goes down and the cameras die I get all crazy because I can’t see what’s happening in the world outside my house.

I may end up having to get a front porch chair.
If I had a front porch.

Makes me grumpy.