Ah, Valentine’s Day.

It was all started by some florists in the United Kingdom as a way to drum up business in the 18th century.

Then candy makers got involved.

Then America and Macys and Zales jumped in.

And things got out of hand which means it was a commercial success.

But its history goes further back.
Let’s look, shall we?

It was a cold and crappy day.
Gork was headed home after failing to snag a dinosaur for the family dinner.

He knew he was going to catch hell from the lady of the cave for coming home empty-handed.

The last time this happened he found some berries and escaped sleeping in the bushes outside.

No berries to be seen.

But there was a flower thingy nearby.
Maybe if he took a few back they could eat them.

Grok wandered into the cave with whatever passed for “Honey, I’m home” and waited for all hell to break loose.

Mrs. Grok took one look at him and said whatever passed for “Oh, how lovely” and went looking for a vase.

He dodged the bullet.

But, being dumb as cavemen were, he forgot all about it.

Grunt, the eldest son, thought the whole thing was funny and scratched some pictures on the cave wall.

Ten-thousand years later a florist on a hike found them.
The rest you know.

Not everyone thinks giving candy, flowers and jewelry is wonderful.

Good grief, Christmas just ended.

In Japan there is a group planning a protest march in Tokyo on Valentine’s Day.

They say the event is a cynical money-making ploy by “oppressive chocolate capitalists”.

By the way, the name of the group is Kakuhido, which translates roughly as the Revolutionary Alliance of Men that Women find Unattractive.

In other words – men that can’t find a girlfriend or got dumped by one.

Anyway, back to Valentine’s Day.

Guys are supposed to give gifts to women.
There’s nothing in the rule book about her giving stuff to men.

Except in Japan (again) where women give candy to guys.
The big deal there is trying to figure out how much candy to give each person.

Apparently the wrong amount gives the wrong impression.

Then in the 1980s the whole thing changed.
A candy company started March 14th to be “Reply” or “White Day”.

Now Japanese men are expected to return the favor to those who gave them chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

Here’s the kicker – they are expected to return gifts that are at least two or three times more valuable than the gifts they got on Valentine’s Day.

Yes, women rule the world.

Here’s hoping that doesn’t catch on here.

No matter what you think – I’m a married man and this makes me an expert at this stuff – don’t forget Valentine’s Day or you’ll get the silent treatment.

The disadvantages vastly outweigh the advantages.
Trust me.

All of this is way too much information, isn’t it?
I made you grumpy.

Welcome to my world.

I need to share something with my friends in the press.
Some education apparently is needed.

Years ago, reporters used to specialize and had knowledge of specific fields.

Mine was aviation and medial reporting.

I owned a plane at that time.

Today, local reporters (and more than a few national ones) seem not to know much about passenger planes other than how cramped the seats are.

Case in point…

Problems with airplanes have been in the news a lot lately.

Why does an organization that supposedly cares about getting the facts correct keep leaving the impression the co-pilot on the plane is some sort of person in training?

Last week everyone got all crazy when the captain of a Delta flight was locked out of the cockpit.

Heaven forbid – the copilot had to land the plane in Las Vegas.

So what?
It’s perfectly normal for the co-pilot to fly the plane.

In fact, in many cases he or she may have more experience than the Captain.

A copilot, or more properly the First Officer, is fully qualified to operate the aircraft.

They are fully trained and can have more flight hours and years of experience than the Captain.

He or she shares flying duties with the captain.

For example, in a trip with 4 stops, the First Officer usually alternates with the Captain taking turns taking off, flying and landing.

If there’s a flight from Honolulu to Las Vegas, the Captain will usually fly one way and First Officer the other.

So why the different titles if both the Captain and First Officer do the same thing equally well?

Somebody has to be in charge and responsible.
There has to be a boss to make the final decisions and take the heat if something goes wrong.

That’s why the Captain makes more money.

It’s a common thing during emergencies or some situations that the captain gives the co-pilot the responsibility to fly the plane while the captain can give attention to communications, troubleshooting, coordinating the checklists.

Finally, if co-pilots are so good why aren’t they Captains?

They will – some day.

Right now seniority rules everything.

It’s not uncommon to find a crew where the co-pilot is older and more experienced than the captain.

The biggest problem that Delta First Officer faced without the Captain was the workload.

There’s the the usual things involved in finding the airport, following controller instructions, lining up for an often complicated and precise approach, doing the necessary checklists and handling the controls.

Add to that working the radios and move a lot of switches and levers normally handled by the other person – who wasn’t there.

There’s very few shortcuts so you suck it up and get it done.

Busy?
Yes.

Impossible?
Obviously not.

Remember there two pilots in the nose of that plane.
Both superbly trained, experienced and part of a team.

To my reporter ex-colleagues…
Stop freaking out.
Please.

You’re making me grumpy.

Want a boyfriend but you’re too lazy to get one?

Don’t want a boyfriend but you’re tired of people asking when you’ll settle down?

Lucky you – there’s a new service on the Internet.

The Invisible Boyfriend.
They have girlfriends too.

Got your interest?

You sign up for $25 a month and various people will text you pretending they’re your boyfriend (or girlfriend).
You can now wave around your cell phone saying, “See! I got texts! I am loved!”

This is either genius or a sad comment on the world today.

I’m leaning toward number 2.

You tell the company the name of the supposed boyfriend (or girlfriend).
I sorta like Xwzyski.

Then how they look and stuff they should like.

That’s it.

This flies out to any one of hundreds of freelancers who are getting a few pennies to send you a text that matches your specific expectations and fantasies.

Every text to you comes from someone different playing the part of Xwzyski.

You never know who actually wrote it.
Could be another lady or an old coot like me.

You can get 100 a month and that’s a lot of mushy stuff from other people all trying to be what you said you wanted.

And since it changes depending on who is writing the text each time there can never be, you know, an actual conversation.

This is really weird.

I’m really having problems getting my head around it.

Some people have gotten attached to their mystery person at the other end.

I heard of a guy once that was in love with his toaster.

And there are people who married their dog.
That I can see.

My wife once said if the dog I had at the time was human I’d probably marry her.
True, except I wouldn’t be happy with a wife that bites and poops on the rug.

A guy in Japan married his computer.
I won’t get into blow up dolls or other things you find in little stores down a dark alley.

The whole idea of this Invisible Boyfriend is to fake out your friends and relatives so they stopping bugging you to settle down.

Actually, I find telling them to mind their own business works well.
And it’s a lot cheaper.

Take the money you save and buy a good toaster.

It’s all kinda sad.

Enough to make you grumpy.