My New Years resolution…
Be less grumpy.

That’s damn near impossible since I’m not a grumpy person according to everyone – except the wife.
So don’t ask her.

I have supposedly and officially moved from Old Coot to Geezer when my birthday hit yesterday.

That’s a blow to my perpetually “act like I’m 21” attitude.

Apparently geezer means I’m expected to start acting my age.
The wife says I gotta grow up.

Bah humbug.

Here’s the problem with advancing age…

Geezer means doing things like lean over s-l-o-w-l-y.
If you don’t you’ll probably just keep going d-o-w-n.

In my mind, a geezer doesn’t drive a Jeep (me) but rather a Cadillac (them), wears their pants just below his man-boobs and lives in Florida.

Ewww…disgusting.

I’ll stick with local style: shorts and a t-shirt.

I will never be a geezer.

I could get all philosophical about the changes I’ve seen in myself in the past five years.
I’m sure there will be a LOT more in the next five.

It is what it is.

To all my friends…
You’re close to my age.

Welcome to your so-called twilight years.

My advice – ignore all that and just boogy on.
Party while you can.

And happy birthday to all that had their big day around the holidays.

Be happy – even if people combined your Christmas and birthday present.

As for not being grumpy…

I suspect that resolution is dead.

One of the things we all do is judge the year that’s ending based on how our friends and colleagues survived it.

If they had a good things happen and we didn’t,  we mark the year past as crappy.

You know that’s how it works.

I’m about to make you feel better.

Compare your 2014 to Justin Bieber.

Stay with me here.
It’s all good.

And as we know, when The Bieber is mentioned, it’s rock solid.

In 2014 he started off by throwing eggs his neighbor’s house.

Then the kid’s mansion was raided by police, who left with drugs and one of his buddy’s in cuffs.

After that he was popped for DUI, when he was pulled over drag racing in Miami.

Bieber’s private jet was searched by the feds after it touched down in New Jersey on the way to the Super Bowl.

Reeking of pot.
The pilot’s said they had to wear oxygen masks it was so thick.

His entourage was arrested for stealing a photographer’s camera in Georgia.

A week after his 20th birthday, a video tape leaked of him giving a deposition.
Turns out Bieber thought the whole thing was a plot to humiliate him and make him look like a jerk.

He doesn’t need any help for that.

He also blamed his stumble-filled sobriety test from January on a broken foot.

Bieber crashes someone else’s album release party to show him who’s number one.
He was thrown out.

Then, he pissed off Chinese media after visiting a war shrine in Japan and acting like a jerk.

LAPD opens an investigation into one of three claims he stole a fan’s phone.

Bieber pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor vandalism charge from January’s egging incident and was forced to pay $80,900 in damages and is now on two years’ probation.

Instead of calming down he later gets in a shoving match with Orlando Bloom after making a rude comment about Bloom’s ex-wife.

2014 brought him another plea deal.
Bieber agrees to plead to two charges related to his drag racing arrest in Miami.

The judge orders him to take an anger management course and make a $50,000 charitable donation.

As we continue showing you how great 2014 was for you – the Bieberness and a bodyguard were sued for assault by a photographer, he was forced to pay $10K for abandoning his pet monkey in Germany, and his posse was investigated for trying to bribe border officials in Canada.

He got himself arrested for crashing his ATV into a minivan in Canada.

Then, days later, after getting booed at a charity event, he stripped down to his underwear for no apparent reason.

He finished that week by throwing a punch at a photographer in Paris.

An Argentinian judge has demanded that Bieber return to the country to face questioning about an alleged attack on a photographer or face jail.

He still hasn’t gone.

Wrapping up 2014, he tried to get a woman’s phone number.
She told him he looked too much like Ellen DeGeneres.

Ouch.

So how was your year?
Looking pretty good, huh?

Before you get too happy – Bieber is worth $200-million and you probably aren’t.

Now you’re grumpy.
Sorry.

Happy New Year.

I should have my head examined.

Not that anyone would find much of interest inside.

The wife has this thing for flashlights.

They’re scattered all over the house.

She breaks them so I buy her more.

I walked around the house yesterday and counted maybe a dozen broken or otherwise non-working flashlights.

That means there are probably a total of 1,837 flashlights here and there.

We could light up a village somewhere.
If they worked.

I’m not sure what she actually does with them but I’m fairly sure she hasn’t mastered the off button.

Almost all the flashlights have dead batteries.

Instead of getting new batteries, she tells me her flashlight doesn’t work.
So I buy her a couple more.

The pile gets bigger.

It’s almost a standard item I get at the hardware store – like light bulbs for her bathroom and nails, and screws and stuff like that.

I’ve spent between $1.49 and $50 for a flashlight.

Sometimes in packs of three…or more.

If the house ever caught fire the fire department would probably evacuate the entire neighborhood because of the danger of hazardous fumes from burning batteries.

Years ago she tried one of those flashlights you shake to charge it up.
It was broken in a week.

I have a four-year old Coast flashlight I keep in my office desk drawer.

It works just fine.

I’ve seen her look at it with longing more than once.
She can’t have it.

1 – it works, and
2 – she’d break it or whatever

There’s an answer to all this – somewhere.
It’s not in the song “You Light Up my Life.”

Trying to find it is making me grumpy.