Tis the season

Sometimes I just don’t learn.
Part of my charm, I guess.

Here I go again.
It’s a yearly thing.

A couple of days before Christmas and I’ve got to get my butt off the couch and hit the stores or all the wife will get is a lump of coal.

This close to December 25th should see some good bargains.

Walmart-fight-sizedOf course they’ll be the usual rude, push-and-shove mobs to go with them.

It’s too late to shop on-line so I’ll just have to take my biggest, baddest cane and wave it around like a mad man.

If I look grumpy maybe people will stay out of my way.

It hasn’t worked before but hope springs eternal.

Once again the wife says, “Don’t spend any money on me this year.”

I’ve been married long enough to know better.

There are two choices with her – jewelry and jewelry.

I tried clothes one year and the size, color and style were all wrong.
Lesson learned.

And a new pan is not her idea of a Christmas gift.
Another lesson learned.

So to all us guys who procrastinated ourselves into this position…you’re out of time.
Giddy up.

Go to a decent jewelry store, throw yourself at the mercy of a salesperson, if you can find one, and hope they gift wrap.

Women do not understand that guys don’t “shop”.
We “buy” and there’s a world of difference.

shop-vs-buy-sized

If they only understood how difficult shopping is for us they’d appreciate it more.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

I worry about this country

Not the political aspects, although there’s plenty to worry about there.

dumb1It’s the intelligence of some people.

Okay, some people are smarter than others.

But I have believed for many years there is no such thing as a dumb person.

Only people who don’t use their brain.
We all know a few of those.

But then I stumbled on one of these “Answer my question, please” websites and now I may have to reassess my opinion.

Some samples from real people:

Is it legal to kill an ant?

Did NASA invent thunderstorms to cover up the sound of space battles?

What percentage of water is celery?

How many calories are in a booger?

Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

I was bitten by a turtle as a child. Can I still drink orange juice?

I kissed a boy on the cheek and I’m worried I am pregnant and I can’t eat bananas.

HOW DO I TURN OFF MY CAPSLOCK? i ACCIDENTLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND i DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF.

How do I get YouTube to come film me? I keep calling them but no one comes.

No wonder we’re going to hell.

Makes me grumpy.

Scientific proof: Men are stupid

Something this Monday to gladden the heart of most ladies and give them yet another reason to gloat and say “I told you so.”

Please don’t.
It’ll make you look ugly and you wouldn’t want that.

Another scientific study is out.
I love scientific studies.

Especially if I agree with them.

Carlin---stupid-men-sizedThis one says men are dumb.

I agree.
Present company excepted, of course.

The British Medical Journal took a break from studying the Royals to release the result of its look into which gender is more likely to die as a result of doing something really, really dumb.

It’s men.
Yup, they’re idiots.

stupid_things_men_do_sizedEspecially when there’s beer involved.

The Journal looked at all of the Darwin Award winners between 1995 and 2014.

In case you don’t know – the Darwin’s are an award given to confirmed instances of people meeting an untimely end as a result of poor decision-making.

They are presented to people who improve the human gene pool by removing their own stupid genes from it.

Guys accounted for almost 90-percent of Darwin Award winners.

The supports the “male idiot theory”.

That’s the scientific observation that men are idiots and idiots do stupid things.
And this even wasn’t when they were trying to impress some lady.

For example – the study listed three dudes who played a variation of Russian roulette by alternately taking shots of alcohol and then stamping on an unexploded Cambodian land mine.

The game ended when it blew up, demolishing the bar and all three men.

Lighting-a-fart-sizedAll you have to do is cruise YouTube to see for yourself guys trying to light their farts (you can), catch a baseball with their mouth (you shouldn’t) and ride the hood of a car at 60 MPH (you can’t).

The majority of these Darwin winners seem to be between 16 and 23 years of age.

This may explain why there are fewer of those folks around these days.

If I was younger I’d think this was great as it gets rid of the competition.

But since I’m an old coot and managed to survive my stupid years…I’ll just watch my brothers.

I’m so proud.