So we’re hanging out by the front door of Big City Diner waiting for our table Friday night.

I’m being a good husband and taking the wife out to dinner.

Out of nowhere she says, “You’re starting to act like an old man.”

Wow, I am an old man but there must be something going on here.

So I ask her, in what way?
“I don’t know.”

That’s helpful.

I guess I’m going to have to figure this out on my own.

I’m within spitting distance of 70.

That’s old, especially if you’re looking at it from under fifty.
That’s young if you’re looking at it from over eighty.

I was flirting with the waitress.
Okay, makes me a dirty old man.

I don’t think she meant that.

I’m not sure where that whole thing came from.

My clothes were clean, I had shaved that day and I was smiling.

Let’s define “old”…
1) It’s when someone compliments your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
2) It’s when a sexy girl gives you a smile and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
3) It’s when going topless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
4) It’s when you don’t care where the wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go too.
5) It’s when you are told to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
6) It’s when “getting lucky” means finding your car where you left it.

I’m not near any of those yet, except for #4.
But I’ve always been that way so it doesn’t count.

Lots of things are old:
The old testament
This Old House on TV
Old Navy
Old McDonald and his farm
Old Farmers Almanac

All of them are still quite useful.

According to the Urban dictionary, in the hood, “old” is good.

“Whoa, look at that guy over there.”
“Him?”
“Yeah, he is so old.”
“No wonder all the girls like him.”

So, what is acting old I wonder?

I suspect the wife was just feeling old herself and aimed it at me.
In scientific terms, a little transference at work.

Didn’t work.
This time.

I was cruising through Google one night.

My search was idle curiosity about other websites and how they look at old people.
Being old I have some interest in that area.

If you Google “Grumpy Seniors”, we’re up there as #1.
Thank you very much.

Then it’s followed by lots of pages of websites dealing with why old folks are grumpy.

I didn’t realize it was such a burning issue.

Most seniors I know are quite pleasant.
Including me.

These sites really suck.

Not to say what you’re reading is a prime example of Pulitzer material, but the others are so self-important and serious.

As an old coot I am more than qualified to pass judgment on all this.

They treat old age like a disease and spend way too much time on what makes seniors happy and what to do with a grumpy person.

Rule #1 – a good nap cures about anything.

With that in mind, here’s answers to those questions everyone seems to be searching for:

Seniors are happy when they get involved in something besides sitting on their butt wondering why everything aches.
Just like all other people.

Deal with a grumpy senior the same way you’d deal with anyone else.
If they’re being pissy – ignore them and go find some happy people to hang out with.

Or you can toss them a movie ticket and say “Get off your butt.”

Then leave.
They’d rather be left alone anyway.

Some experts say they need a hug.
Okay – so give them some.

Good ones.
Long ones.

But what they really need is a bag of dark chocolate or a $50 bill.
That’s perk anyone up.

Scientists are beginning to discover dark chocolate is a wonder food.

It lowers blood pressure, cures things like ED and the sniffles.

Dark chocolate is what goes in to Dobash Cake and we’ve already established that’s the finest food on Earth.

Now get out there and make someone happy.

If you want to start with someone easy, bring me chocolate.
The expensive kind.

Or a Dobash cake.

Did you ever make out in a movie?

I’m embarrassed to admit I did.

Several times.
Well, maybe a few more than several.

I was sitting around letting my brain coast in neutral when that vision popped up.

I plead raging hormones and the stupidity of youth.

When you’re 17 it seemed to be a fun thing to do.

Now I think of all the people sitting around staring at us.

I wonder if the show we put on was better than the one on the screen.

Got that vision in your brain now?

I’m horrified about that whole thing.

I wonder what her father would have thought if he knew.

Did you ever get drunk at a young age and make an ass out of yourself?

I’m embarrassed to admit I did.

That horrified me and I hardly drank again.

Things I did as a young guy make me wonder why I turned out as well as I did.
That’s assuming I turned out well.

A partial list of some of the missteps of my tender years…

Necking in a movie theater.
Drinking too much and trying to walk home in broad daylight.
Drinking too much and trying to walk home at night.
Drinking too much and actually driving home.
Mixing checks and stripes.
Wearing a leisure suit. Once.
Pretending once at a bar I was a brain surgeon.
Actually getting the lady to believe it.

I was 21 at the time.
Who was more stupid – me for trying it or her for believing it?

I’m horrified at myself.
It’s amazing the stupid things we did when we were younger.

Don’t laugh.
I’m hanging myself out for ridicule because you know you have your own list and it’s probably just as bad.

And you’re chicken if you don’t share.

I can’t believe I posted this.