Going from $0 to $150 real fast

The wife, lovely person such as she is, always complains I spend too much money.

She’s a saver.
I’m a spender.

Such is the way of the world.

Sometimes I buy a toy for myself.
After all, he who dies with the most toys wins – and I still have a little room in the garage.

But most of what I do is an attempt to make her happy.

All men know it’s important to keep the wife happy or she’ll make sure you’re unhappy too.

That leads us to the story of the garage door opener…

Old-Genie-sizedThe one on our house is so old I believe it was first operated by a water wheel.

Not only do they not make parts for it any more, the model number stamped on the side is in some stone tablet language.

But it works and one should never mess with something that works or it might break.

Then you have to try to fix it.

You see this coming, don’t you.

The wife doesn’t like the remote control to open the door.
She says the stuff in her purse can push the button and open the door.

Considering what she has in her purse I’m not surprised.
I believe I once saw a frying pan and a 1931 Hoover vacuum cleaner in a side pocket.

She’s one of these ladies that has a purse the size of an overnight bag and still carries two other bags with her when she leaves the house.

I’m never sure if she’s going to the store or moving to Idaho.

But anyway…

I try to be a good husband.

So I figured I’d put one of those fancy keypad things outside the garage door.
Then she could push some buttons instead of spending 3 days trying to find the remote buried under the vacuum cleaner and three pairs of shoes in her purse.

Garage-door-ad-sizedExcept…

The garage door opener is so old they don’t make doohickies that’ll connect to the ancient wireless system that it has now.

I found this out after I bought the keypad and 3 brand new real small remotes.

That’s okay –¬†Amazon.com has everything.

I just have to replace the entire wireless control system on the opener with a wiz-bang universal, work-with-everything black box the size of a small garbage truck.

Did I mention it’s expensive?

And I won’t know if the other stuff I bought will work with it until it’s installed.
Anticipation is a wonderful thing.

What started out as a loving attempt to make her life easier has turned into putting a Ferrari engine into a 1962 Ford Falcon.

Several weeks from now, after dedicating my life to this transplant surgery, it should be ready to go.
Hopefully.

Instead of “thank you” she’ll say…
How much did it cost?

Can’t win.
That’s why I’m grumpy.

Roses are red and I’m left out

Valentine Heart-sizedSo, here we are.
Valentine’s Day eve.

One of many various stories says Saint Valentine of Rome was thrown in prison for performing weddings for soldiers who were not allowed to marry.

In a letter to someone, he signed it “Your Valentine.”
Supposedly that’s how it started according to some history books.

If you want the real story – look at this.

Valentines-Day-pngIt used to be you gave a Valentine’s card to someone you loved.

Then the commercialization of America kicked in and they now expect a new BMW.

Anyway this is about me, not everyone else.

So I tell the bride we’ll go out to dinner tomorrow night.
Given that every other husband in the world is doing the same thing, it may end up at a hot dog stand versus some fancy joint.

It’s the thought that counts and the least I can do for the apple of my eye who does not believe in Valentine’s for husbands.

What you say?

Yup.
“Valentine’s Day is for children”, says she.

No, Christmas is for children.
Valentine’s Day is for sweethearts.

Her girlfriends need to have a serious talk with her.
No way she’ll listen to me.

See where this is going?

You have to understand the husband’s station in life when it comes to the mistress of the house.

Grandchildren first.
Kids second.
Girlfriends third.
Doggies fourth.
Husband somewhere about 33rd.

Someone send me a card so I won’t be grumpy.
Write something mushy on it even if it’s not true.

Falling down is good for you

One wonders what goes through some people’s minds before they make a decision common sense says will blow up in their face.

We certainly have plenty of examples in Hawaii.
You may call it the State Legislature, thank you.

HippyBut for this one let’s travel to Washington State, that hotbed of liberal, environmental wacko, Seahawk craziness.

I like Washington State.

I lived in Spokane for a few years back in my youth and survived a winter where it once snowed 80-inches in January alone.

It’s pretty and clean and if you like trees, it’s heaven.

It’s also full of political nut-jobs.

Tag - sizedAll that is leading to this…

A school district has decided the game of tag can hurt the emotional well-being of the little ones.

So, the Mercer Island School District banned the game during recess.

Good grief – what else can you do during recess?

The kids told their parents.
They started raising hell.

The school district says the reason for stopping tag is to protect the “physical and emotional safety” of the little kiddies.

Emotional safety?

Are kids today such wimps that they become traumatized while being chased in a game they want to play?

There’s more –
They also mentioned physical safety, saying children need to keep their hands to themselves.

Let me work on this for a second…
A pat on the back in a game of tag might make someone…mildly uncomfortable?

This doesn’t make a lick of sense, especially when you measure it against the other activities the school has.

Football, which is like tag only instead of gently touching someone and saying “you’re it,” students beat the hell out of each other.

Let’s not ignore wrestling where your hands are all over each other.

We’re raising of bunch of pansies by trying to protect children from everything.

When I was a kid I fell down playing – a lot.

I’ve actually fallen down as an adult.
But that’s a different story.

Anyway, my mother put a band-aid on it, gave me a kiss and I ran outside to fall down some more.

I survived.

In fact, scientists says it’s actually good for children to get a bit banged up.
It exercises the immune system and they will be healthier adults.

Some grownups need to grow up.