The wife is a constant delightful surprise in some things and fairly standard in others.

For example, women like to move stuff around.

Once every couple of years she moves the furniture just so things look different.

I spend the next month walking into stuff in the middle of the night when I get up for a glass of water.

The price of wedded bliss.

Then a while back she was at Costco and decided to change the china.

We usually use a paper plate.
Don’t snicker – you probably do too.

It’s easy, nothing to wash and it’s not like the President is dropping by for dinner.

I wouldn’t invite him anyway.
I’m a bit upset with the guy these days.

I’m sure the NSA will pass this on and I’ll get a sharply worded letter from the White House soon.

I think if the guy ate off paper plates and bought his own gas we’d all be better off.

Anyway, the wife comes back with these luau, school-lunch type paper plates.

It’s like the one’s Igge’s provides for funerals and such.

You can’t load them up because they start to bend in the middle and in my house the dogs are waiting below for anything that might drop to the floor.

One law of the universe is dogs own what hits the floor.

These things taste like exactly what they are – a paper plate.

Leave something soggy there long enough and it comes through the other side.

The old ones at least had a plastic coating, which tastes better than paper and don’t leak.

I suspect these were on sale and she cannot resist a sale, regardless of the product.

We got stuff all over the place that had a price that called to her frugal soul.

Some were used once before they broke or maybe never worked in the first place.

Some remain in the original container because I laughed so hard when she showed it to me.

I really have to stop doing that because it makes her angry.

Anyway, back to the paper plates…

Even she admitted this wasn’t up to her usual excellent choices.

We are back to the exquisite paper plates we have used for years.

We still won’t invite the President over.

He makes me grumpy.

I get so confused when daylight saving time comes or goes on the mainland.

First, is it daylight savings or just daylight saving?

Is there an “s” there, or not?
I’ve seen it written both ways.

I don’t care, actually.

Then, there’s the fact that tomorrow will technically be yesterday in a day or two anyway, with a margin of error of three days to be safe.

Because today was – at one point tomorrow – but that was so long ago I can’t remember.

Time zones are just a way to cross over some invisible line and be somewhere else in the time line of the universe.

All this can get so confusing that the science that tries to explain it is mostly a mish-mash of stuff that makes no sense.

Then when they start fiddling with adding or subtracting an hour here and there it’s no wonder most people like me get confused.

Only the government would believe they could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it on the bottom and have a longer blanket.

I bet I’ve been called a dozen times over the years at 3 o’clock in the morning from some yoyo in New York thinking it’s 9 AM everywhere in the world.

I doubt I’m very polite on those calls.

And don’t forget the International Date Line where people on the other side of it are in tomorrow.

Get on a plane Wednesday morning in Hawaii and land in Japan where it’s one day minus 4 hours ahead.

How crazy is that?

This is even nuttier – government worker’s in Japan are on daylight saving time where they have to go to work one hour earlier than everyone else.

No one else had to change their clocks, just the government people.

If you have an appointment at 10 AM, is it your 10 AM or the government’s 9 AM?

Getting back to planes – when I was a kid, people flying on planes got a certificate from the stewardess (that’s what they called them back then) to commemorate the event.

Kids like me got Junior Pilot wings to wear and be cool.

The planes took a gazillion hours to fly anywhere so maybe the certificate and wings were to take your mind off being cooped up for so long.

I’m so damn old I flew on the Pan Am Clipper to the mainland once.

I was maybe ten and sitting in the downstairs lounge.

Like any kid I started poking around and sort-of accidentally pulled a panel away from the wall.

Behind it was all sorts of wires and pipes.

I swear to God I thought I broke the plane and spent the rest of the flight in mortal fear we were going to crash in the ocean and it would be my fault.

That was the last time I pulled anything off a plane.

After that we went back and forth to the mainland on the Lurline.
Something like 5 days each way.

All I remember is my mother putting me in a group being taught hula by some lady on the ship.

She thought it was cute.
Mortifying at a young age.

It’s amazing we survive our mother sometimes.

That’s why we’re grumpy.

I’m trying to get a handle on selfies.

I was sitting there like a gentleman at one of the wife’s reunion events in Vegas and some of the people were taking their own picture with a cell phone and posting it somewhere.

I always figured taking a picture of yourself and posting it on Facebook was because you didn’t have any friends to hold the camera for you.

Or maybe it’s because you’re doing something you’re embarrassed to ask for help with.

Here’s how I got to that…

If you’re a guy the selfie is usually some shirtless manly pose in a mirror making gang symbols with your hands.

If you’re a girl you are most likely making duck lips while thinking to yourself how stunning this must look.

It’s all really kinda strange.

The Internet is filled with selfies of Miley Cyrus with her tongue hanging out, former Congressman Anthony Weiner with his stuff hanging out and lots and lots of duck lips.

I supposed I should explain duck lips for those living in Kahala.

This is a face used in many teenage Facebook pictures.

They stick their lips out in a fashion that resembles a duck’s beak.

It’s supposed to be seductive, although why anyone would think ducks or those women are sexy, is beyond my understanding.

I strongly suggest you stay away from people that do this.
Prolonged exposure may cause brain cell damage.

Now, this is not to be confused with a kissy face, which is a girl making a face as if she were about to kiss someone.

This is an okay face under the circumstances if:

A) She is in a relationship and sending it to her significant other traveling far away

B) Blowing kisses to her mom or dad through Skype

C) It’s Valentines day

If it is not under these circumstances, then it’s just as bad as duck lips.

I have one piece of advice. Remember what your mother used to say…

“You keep making that face and it’ll get stuck that way.”

That should look interesting in your next company meeting.